Have you ever listened to a song that made you cry? A song that made you remember somebody, a song that is in a language that you couldn't even understand? When I listened to it, I shut my eyes and with all my force, screamed as silently as I could. Even though I couldn't understand a single word of the lyrics, I knew that it was sad, and so I cried.
How could one person make you sad, happy, angry, and confused. And at the same time give you encouragement and discouragement? You give me motivation to move on. You make me not want to move on because I'm still in disbelief that you're not here. You put me in so much pain, and yet you're punishing me with all the happy times that we spent together.
When I needed to be serious today, I thought of you. I thought of you because I needed something to make me angry. And you were the first thing I thought of because, for some reason, you're still as important to me as you were before. You left, out of my life, out of it completely, but never have you left my head, or my heart. I think about you everyday, especially at night. On nights where I can't fall asleep, I think of us, of how we takes about our future, how we ended up at the spot where you told me that we would never end up. I told myself to give up on you a long time ago. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I can't, the more I try to push you out of my head, the more you seem to appear. The more it hurts me, so i'll stop pretending like I'm over it when I'm clearly not.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Ugh
Sick.
Again.
Throat is killing me.
All I want is for you to be here right now.
-on the phone-
: you get off at 9 tomorrow right? How far is the school?
: yup. Why?
: no reason.
: tell me
: because I just wanna know.
: promise?
: Thomas Jefferson? Oh okay.
......you little lying bitch.
Head is pounding. I feel a fever coming on.
PO
Again.
Throat is killing me.
All I want is for you to be here right now.
-on the phone-
: you get off at 9 tomorrow right? How far is the school?
: yup. Why?
: no reason.
: tell me
: because I just wanna know.
: promise?
: Thomas Jefferson? Oh okay.
......you little lying bitch.
Head is pounding. I feel a fever coming on.
PO
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Old friend, why are you so shy?
September 28, 2012
I feel guilty for getting everything I want recently. Well, almost everything...most of this guilty comes from not even knowing what I want. I want it at one point, but then I don't wait it right after I get it. But there's just one thing I've always wanted, but I know that no matter how much I pray for it, I'll never have it. "Don't forget me, I begged. I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
I will never forget these words". It's these words that makes me never want to tell you how I feel
You're slacking in your texts, it makes me not wanna text you anymore...it takes like 4 hours for you to respond. I'm pretty sure your classes aren't 4-8 hours long nigga. You might read this someday, but for now, I don't know how I feel. I don't think I'm mad or anything, just a little disappointed. I thought that you would be there for me if I ever needed you, but I don't need comfort after a year..and if you never get to read this, I'll make sure that I mention this in your next letter. It's only been a month, what the fuck's gonna happen after 4 years?
I feel guilty for getting everything I want recently. Well, almost everything...most of this guilty comes from not even knowing what I want. I want it at one point, but then I don't wait it right after I get it. But there's just one thing I've always wanted, but I know that no matter how much I pray for it, I'll never have it. "Don't forget me, I begged. I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
I will never forget these words". It's these words that makes me never want to tell you how I feel
You're slacking in your texts, it makes me not wanna text you anymore...it takes like 4 hours for you to respond. I'm pretty sure your classes aren't 4-8 hours long nigga. You might read this someday, but for now, I don't know how I feel. I don't think I'm mad or anything, just a little disappointed. I thought that you would be there for me if I ever needed you, but I don't need comfort after a year..and if you never get to read this, I'll make sure that I mention this in your next letter. It's only been a month, what the fuck's gonna happen after 4 years?
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Still can't let it go.
September 30, 2012
"When I look into your eyes, they twinkle" That's one of the most ridiculous things that you have ever said to me. Your promises are just as ridiculous, but the way that you told me and show me that you love me was just the funniest thing ever. I must be fucking stupid to believe all of this. Because I'm sitting here and random memories of us are just hitting me over and over again, day by day.
I never forgot one day. Not even one. Every month, I'll be on time. I make sure that you remember too, which you always already seem to do. How many times has he forgotten? I do the job so much better than he does. But why? Why is it him and not me?
"When I look into your eyes, they twinkle" That's one of the most ridiculous things that you have ever said to me. Your promises are just as ridiculous, but the way that you told me and show me that you love me was just the funniest thing ever. I must be fucking stupid to believe all of this. Because I'm sitting here and random memories of us are just hitting me over and over again, day by day.
I never forgot one day. Not even one. Every month, I'll be on time. I make sure that you remember too, which you always already seem to do. How many times has he forgotten? I do the job so much better than he does. But why? Why is it him and not me?
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Tumblr
I just signed onto your tumblr...I found out that you have another tumblr where you set a password for. I was curious so I removed the password just to see what you write in that tumblr. I risked it just to read 8 fucking posts. 8 fucking posts that talked about how you cried and shit. 8 fucking posts that just made me realize that you no longer think about me. Have fun crying about your life.
Happy anniversary babe.
September 22, 2012
Happy 2 years and 3 months babe. Today would just be another one of those days for you and everybody else, but it still means so much to me as it did before. Did you notice that today's the 22nd? or am I the only one here that remembers. Today, she went through my texts with FF about you and I wasn't even mad, I should've told her that you're still on my mind but I could never bring it up, at least now she knows that I'm still not over you. It sucks because, she's just here and I don't even know what to do with her because from time to time I'm gonna think of you and feel the pain out of no where. It sucks because I don't even know if I'll ever get over this feeling. I haven't seen you in so long. To think back a year ago where I couldn't even go through 20 days without you. Every time I think about you, I take a breath and feel all hopeless. When time comes around again on our 3 year anniversary, would you say happy 3 years like you said happy 2 years? Please do, please.
Happy 2 years and 3 months babe. Today would just be another one of those days for you and everybody else, but it still means so much to me as it did before. Did you notice that today's the 22nd? or am I the only one here that remembers. Today, she went through my texts with FF about you and I wasn't even mad, I should've told her that you're still on my mind but I could never bring it up, at least now she knows that I'm still not over you. It sucks because, she's just here and I don't even know what to do with her because from time to time I'm gonna think of you and feel the pain out of no where. It sucks because I don't even know if I'll ever get over this feeling. I haven't seen you in so long. To think back a year ago where I couldn't even go through 20 days without you. Every time I think about you, I take a breath and feel all hopeless. When time comes around again on our 3 year anniversary, would you say happy 3 years like you said happy 2 years? Please do, please.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Kiss The Rain.
September 21, 2012
I miss your good night calls, I miss your good morning calls, I just miss your calls in general. It was so hard to fall asleep without your calls when you left. Now that I'm finally able to sleep without them, I wish I weren't able to sleep so easily without them. I'm scared that I won't like phoning with people anymore. Talking on the phone has always been my thing. I was really tired today, and I just wanted to sleep, so I turned to my ipod, searched up your song, and put it on repeat again. It made me cry...no matter how many times I listen to it, it'll always make me cry. In my mind, you're still mine, you'll forever still be mine. IWALU.
I wish my relationship with BG was different. I don't even know what it is that we have here. Whatever it is, I've never had this type of thing before. We don't phone, we just text all day. Sometimes I want you to care more about me, on other days, I just don't give a shit. I want you to show me that you're better than her, that I don't have to think about her anymore, that you'll be the her. I know I feel so guilty sometimes because I feel like you're just a rebound and I can't even look at you because of that. I feel like a terrible person.
I miss your good night calls, I miss your good morning calls, I just miss your calls in general. It was so hard to fall asleep without your calls when you left. Now that I'm finally able to sleep without them, I wish I weren't able to sleep so easily without them. I'm scared that I won't like phoning with people anymore. Talking on the phone has always been my thing. I was really tired today, and I just wanted to sleep, so I turned to my ipod, searched up your song, and put it on repeat again. It made me cry...no matter how many times I listen to it, it'll always make me cry. In my mind, you're still mine, you'll forever still be mine. IWALU.
I wish my relationship with BG was different. I don't even know what it is that we have here. Whatever it is, I've never had this type of thing before. We don't phone, we just text all day. Sometimes I want you to care more about me, on other days, I just don't give a shit. I want you to show me that you're better than her, that I don't have to think about her anymore, that you'll be the her. I know I feel so guilty sometimes because I feel like you're just a rebound and I can't even look at you because of that. I feel like a terrible person.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tumblr
September 20, 2012
I went on your tumblr today and saw that card you made. It reminded me of how I'll no longer get those long ass meaningful cards from you anymore. But I know that all those previous cards you wrote me, they'll stay in that box for as long as possible. It hurts to open that box. I've only opened it once to look through it since I've placed all those things in there. 2Y&3M in 2 days.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
First post.
September 19, 2012
Whenever I listen to a song, happy, sad, just about anything, I always go back to thinking about you. I'm not even entitled to a blog to write out my frustrations anymore, because you have that blog. I'm scared to let you know that I still feel this way about you. For the past 1-2 months, you've been on my mind so much. It's been making it so hard for me to fall asleep at night. Maybe it's because it's almost that time of the year, or maybe it's just because I'm just not over you like I said I was. I don't bother you anymore because all that I am is a burden to you. I called you 2 weeks ago because I felt like I was breaking down. I just wanted to hear your voice. But I called on a different number and didn't say anything. I didn't take notice that you might be going through your own problems. I texted you saying sorry, and you replied asking me who I was and that you were getting pissed off. I asked you what was wrong and surprisingly, you told me that it's been a while since anybody's asked you that question and then you poured out your problems to me. You have no idea what I would do to still be a part of your problem, but I'm just happy to be here just for you to have somebody to talk to. It's almost been a year. It's crazy how time could past so fast. I hate comparing everybody to you when I know that I should stop and move the fuck on. When a sad song comes on, it sounds a thousand times sadder than it's suppose to.
Whenever I listen to a song, happy, sad, just about anything, I always go back to thinking about you. I'm not even entitled to a blog to write out my frustrations anymore, because you have that blog. I'm scared to let you know that I still feel this way about you. For the past 1-2 months, you've been on my mind so much. It's been making it so hard for me to fall asleep at night. Maybe it's because it's almost that time of the year, or maybe it's just because I'm just not over you like I said I was. I don't bother you anymore because all that I am is a burden to you. I called you 2 weeks ago because I felt like I was breaking down. I just wanted to hear your voice. But I called on a different number and didn't say anything. I didn't take notice that you might be going through your own problems. I texted you saying sorry, and you replied asking me who I was and that you were getting pissed off. I asked you what was wrong and surprisingly, you told me that it's been a while since anybody's asked you that question and then you poured out your problems to me. You have no idea what I would do to still be a part of your problem, but I'm just happy to be here just for you to have somebody to talk to. It's almost been a year. It's crazy how time could past so fast. I hate comparing everybody to you when I know that I should stop and move the fuck on. When a sad song comes on, it sounds a thousand times sadder than it's suppose to.
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